Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

I stumbled upon Good Boundaries and Goodbyes at a time when I was wrestling with the weight of certain relationships in my life. Some felt draining, others left me questioning my worth, and a few had me walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. I wasn’t unfamiliar with the concept of boundaries, but somehow, applying them felt like betrayal—like I was failing at love, patience, or even faith. Then, this book found me. Maybe it was divine timing, or perhaps it was my soul nudging me toward what I needed to hear. Lysa TerKeurst has a way of writing that doesn’t just inform—it convicts. She speaks with the tenderness of someone who has been there, yet with the clarity of someone who has fought for her freedom. Each chapter felt like a mirror, reflecting not just where I had been, but where I needed to go. Here are eight lessons I couldn’t ignore—lessons that reshaped the way I see love, relationships, and, most importantly, myself.

1. Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Doors: For the longest time, I thought boundaries were a way to push people away, a defense mechanism to keep my heart from getting hurt. But Lysa explains them differently. She describes them as doors with locks—not walls that trap, but doors that allow us to open up wisely. This changed everything for me. Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off; they’re about choosing when and how to engage. They allow love to flow in a healthy way, rather than out of obligation or fear. Anyone struggling with guilt over setting boundaries needs to hear this: You’re not shutting people out—you’re inviting them into a healthier way of relating.

2. Love Without Boundaries Isn’t Love—It’s Enablement: This one hit me hard. I always believed love meant giving, sacrificing, and making allowances—even when it hurt. But Lysa challenges that mindset by showing how Jesus Himself had boundaries. He loved deeply, but He never allowed others to manipulate, control, or misuse Him. I saw how I had been enabling certain behaviors under the disguise of love. I was allowing emotional exhaustion because I thought it was the Christian thing to do. But true love doesn’t rescue people from their own responsibilities. It empowers them to change. And sometimes, loving someone means saying no when they expect yes.

3. Not Everyone Deserves Unlimited Access to You: This was an uncomfortable truth. I had people in my life who demanded too much—my time, my energy, my emotional space. And yet, I felt obligated to keep giving because I didn’t want to seem unkind. Lysa writes that just as we don’t give every person in our lives the key to our homes, we shouldn’t give everyone full access to our hearts. Some people can be acquaintances. Some can be close friends. And some—no matter how much we care—should only be loved from a distance. Realizing this set me free.

4. Boundaries Don’t Ruin Relationships—They Reveal Them: If a relationship falls apart because you set a boundary, it means the relationship was built on control, not love. This was tough to accept. I feared that if I started setting boundaries, people would leave. But Lysa explains that healthy relationships can withstand boundaries, while unhealthy ones will resist them. I tested this in my life, and she was right. Some relationships deepened because they were rooted in mutual respect. Others? They faded because they were only sustained by my over-functioning. And honestly, losing those wasn’t a loss—it was clarity.

5. You Don’t Have to Explain or Defend Your Boundaries: I’ve always been a people-pleaser, so setting boundaries felt like something I had to justify. I thought if I explained well enough, people would understand and accept them. But Lysa reminds us that we don’t owe anyone an essay on why we’re protecting our peace. A simple “I can’t do that” is enough. “I’m not available for that conversation right now” is enough. “I love you, but I can’t be involved in that” is enough. The right people will respect it. The wrong ones will push back—but that’s not our burden to carry.

6. Emotional Health Is a Biblical Responsibility: This one surprised me. I never linked emotional health to faith in the way Lysa does. She explains that God calls us to guard our hearts not because we should be selfish, but because our hearts determine the course of our lives (Proverbs 4:23). That means taking responsibility for our own well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. If we keep pouring into others without taking care of ourselves, we eventually have nothing left to give. Setting boundaries is a way of honoring God’s design for us, not rebelling against it.

7. Forgiveness and Boundaries Can Coexist: One of the biggest lies I believed was that if I forgave someone, I had to let them back into my life the same way. But Lysa makes a powerful distinction: Forgiveness is given, but trust is built. We can fully forgive someone without granting them full access again. This was a game-changer for me. It meant I could let go of resentment without pretending things were okay when they weren’t. It gave me permission to heal without having to reopen doors that God had closed.

8. Saying Goodbye Can Be the Most Loving Thing You Do: I used to think goodbyes were failures. That if I had to walk away, it meant I hadn’t loved well enough, tried hard enough, or prayed deeply enough. But Lysa reframes it in a way that made me see differently. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do—for ourselves and for the other person—is to say goodbye. Some relationships are seasonal. Some were never meant to last. And some require endings so both people can grow into who God intended them to be. Saying goodbye isn’t giving up. It’s making space for the right things to flourish.

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